Necessary Ingredients for Effective Couples Therapy
As a couples therapist, in Boulder, Colorado, I’ve worked with folks coming in for all types of concerns. Couples have presented with a wide variety of challenges including infidelity, “drifting apart,” conflict over parenting or in laws, grief and loss, and challenges with the same conflict over time.. People often ask about what makes couples therapy effective. First, I use a type of couples therapy called Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy (IBCT) that is well researched and has been shown to be effective in reducing couples distress. Second, there are many reasons why couples therapy works or doesn't work, but there are two main predictors that have been shown to predict whether couples therapy will be effective.
Commitment. I’m guessing this will be no surprise, but couples who are committed to staying together are much more likely to be able to benefit from couples therapy. Couples where both partners have “one foot out,” of the relationship are less likely to be able to make gains in couples therapy. One of the most common stances that keep couples stuck is, “I’m all in if my partner is all in.” Couples who hesitate to commit to their relationship, can get stuck in a pattern of waiting with one foot out, and any type of relationship interventions can easily fall flat. In contrast, even very distressed couples where there is high commitment will be more likely to have success in couples therapy.
A willingness to own “your part” in relationship challenges or conflicts. Many people arrive to couples therapy because they want their partner to change in some way. Indeed, let’s be honest, some of the flaws that we see in our partners are real. They DO have trouble listening, nag us often, or chew with their mouth open. And it’s natural to see our partners flaws so clearly. It can be hard to observe ourselves and put ourselves in the shoes of our partner. But increasing perspective taking and empathy is just what a skillful couples therapist can help you with. When you can turn some of your energy inwards, towards understanding what YOU can do differently in the relationship, you’d be surprised by just how quickly a problematic dynamic in a relationship can be transformed.
When partners chose commitment and a willingness to look at their own behavior, couples are much more likely to benefit from couples therapy.
For more information about Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy: https://ibct.psych.ucla.edu/resources/