The Work of Relationships
The Work of Relationships
People often say “relationships are a lot of work.” I agree. But let’s get into the specifics. What kind of work makes for a successful relationship? There is finding ways to effectively compromise, doing fun and novel things together, negotiating well, working as a team, meeting our partner’s emotional needs, relying on each other, talking about what’s hard, giving constructive feedback, expressing love, fighting effectively, etc. But what’s interesting when we talk about successful relationships, we don’t often talk about something fundamental: that relationships require a lot of work... on ourselves. That is, that the hard work of relationships can often be facing up to our own shortcomings, sensitivities and challenges. It’s not uncommon in times of distress for the shortcomings of our partner to become so visible and bothersome that our own part in our relationship conflict is overshadowed or forgotten. In many cases, couples therapy begins with a critical question: are you willing to accept that you are mutually responsible for the problems in your relationship? This is called a “collaborative set” and adopting this positive and constructive stance can be a predictor of success in couples therapy. Let’s face it, when we’re dissatisfied in a relationship, everyone has times of wishing our partner would change. But the truth is, becoming a more effective partner is often a more efficient path toward changing our relationship for the better. So, when it comes to improving your relationship, try this for a week:
1. Temporarily let go of your focus on the ways you want your partner to change. When thoughts about wanting your partner to change come to mind, just tell yourself, “I may have valid concerns, but that’s not my focus right now. I’m trying something different to see if it will be helpful.”
2. Practice focusing on 3 concrete behaviors that you’d like to change that you think will have a positive impact. For example:
a. greet your partner with a smile and a hug
b. complete a chore that he/she often requests
c. provide him/her a compliment
d. make a positive request for assistance rather than offering a critique
3. Take stock. Have you seen any shifts or improvements in the relationship over the week?