Why I Don't Love the Word Acceptance

Although I’m an expert in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (at type of Cognitive behavioral therapy), you might be surprised to hear that lately, I don’t love the word “acceptance.” Here’s why. 

Acceptance sometimes implies finality and completion, rather than an ongoing process. For example, accepting that your partner left you or that you’ve recently lost your job might not be a done deal.  Rather, acceptance may be something that we have to do periodically, or even daily, as an active and deliberate practice.  There may also be aspects of a situation that require you to emotionally revisit it from time to time.  For example, as we age, we may be faced with the fact that our parent might not be able to meet our emotional needs.  At different snapshots in time, when we have a break up, or the birth of a child, or a job loss, we may be faced with the process of grieving that our parent has a hard time showing up for us. Although we may say to ourselves, “you know I’ve already accepted this fact,” or “I did that work, I’ve already processed this,” what I encourage folks to consider is that it’s okay to accept this fact in this moment, and then be faced with turning towards acceptance in more moments in the future.  This a natural part of relating to difficult experiences.   Perhaps I’m getting a little precise with my language, but I love the alternative of the word “allowing.”  “Allowing” signifies to me an openness to “what is” and is a process that is ongoing.  “I am allowing that my parent isn’t able to show up for me while I grieve a loss.  It’s like this right now. It’s hard and I’ll need to be extra compassionate with myself in this process.”

If you’re intrigued try using “allowing” on for size. Let me know how it goes!